Every therapist has a story, not all are willing to share. For me, sharing parts about myself is an element in my style of work. It is the reason that I am the therapist I am today.

Growing up wasn’t easy for me. My parents were divorced at a young age and I don’t remember living in the same house for more than a few years. When I was in middle school I was diagnosed with Scoliosis, a condition that causes curvature of the spine with no known cause and no cure. I was told there was nothing I could do besides wait to see how long it would take until I would need surgery. I was prescribed to wear a back brace for several years but adolescents care a lot about appearances, so that did not go far. I suffered a decade of traumatic doctors appointments, each one leaving me feeling more hopeless than the last. I was in severe, chronic pain. I was however, an extremely high achiever. I persevered with good grades and played every sport there is. With my high performance and outgoing personality, you would never know just how angry and depressed I was. Because I didn’t understand my emotions and no one talked to me about them, they took the form of reckless, defiant behavior. My emotions and physical pain were eating me from the inside out.

By college my spine curvature had progressed and I was told I needed to have the surgery, a spinal fusion, immediately otherwise my healing would be more complex as I got older. With the impending fear of my surgery, combined with my pain and depression, I became actively suicidal. People are scared to talk about suicide because it is a taboo topic but I am honest about my experience with these feelings, and it’s not something I relate to anymore besides in memory. So, nonetheless I left college in NC on Christmas break to have the surgery done at NYU Langone. I was completely unprepared. I spent eight days in the hospital where my mother drove from NJ every morning to take care of me because I could not do anything for myself. The recovery physically and emotionally, would take years.

After my surgery, my spine was straight but I was still in pain. This left me confused. It wasn’t until I was an established therapist that I learned the intricacies of just how much trauma and emotions affect the body. It also impacts how we see the world. I started a healing journey once I realized that I was holding onto narratives and emotions that were keeping me stuck. My work with clients involves identifying negative thoughts that are causing them distress or anxiety, and I realized I needed to do this for myself as well. I became suspicious about the idea that there was nothing I could do for my situation. I began to research on my own and found a whole world of support, emotionally and physically, that I never knew about before.

I now participate in a plethora of Scoli-based exercise programs that keep me strong and out of physical pain. The most important aspect of managing my pain though, is emotional healing. Trauma and emotions are stored in our brain and body, and without addressing them they can simply live there forever. Time does not heal all wounds, unfortunately.

The purpose of me sharing my story is for you to know that I am a human who has experienced trauma, anxiety, depression and despair. I have experienced other traumas outside of the ones mentioned, including the death of my father and other childhood experiences. I have sought refuge in toxic relationships, numbing behaviors and over-achieving to distract from my feelings. I know all about body image, people pleasing, lack of boundaries and assertiveness, guilt, shame, and catastrophic thinking. I understand it all because they are old friends of mine. But I share this story to give you hope. There is no finish line but I am on my healing journey. I no longer visit those dark places I used to know so well because I have the tools not to. And that is something that I want to give to you.